Hi. Stop Writing Dumb Messages. Thanks.

I'm a genuinely open-minded person. Yes, I'm picky. But M will attest that I have talked myself into dating (or at the very least giving a chance to) many a questionable suitor. On the other hand, she would also quickly point out that I have refused to date men for reasons she found inane. Like Aquarius men. I can't date an Aquarius. Long story.

As she mentioned, we joined a free dating site. I think I've gotten much more amusement from it than she has. I'm currently [online] dating at least five different men right now. Does that make me a [virtual] trollop? During the course of the past month on the site, I've gotten some truly interesting (read: completely and utterly asinine) messages from men. Dear Men Around the World: do you read these messages before you send them? Do you contemplate even for a moment how the recipient might react? Do you just not give a damn whatsoever as you sit and rattle off a string of words that may or may not form a sentence? Do you care that you could potentially make my head explode?

Below, the current contenders for Worst First Contact from a Stranger Who Doesn't Have Even the Slightest Grasp on Using the English Language as a Form of Communication:

NUMBER THREE
Stevie Wonder ! [insert bouncing, clapping emoticon] Funny I just listen to his Best of album last night [insert dancing green banana emoticon] . I love Stevie [insert smiley heart-eyes emoticon]. "You know Stevie wont leave you" [insert rolling on the floor laughing emoticon]! HEllo [insert smiley heart-eyes emoticon], my name is Jake [insert winking emoticon]. Where is your favorite place to be with the man in your life ? Have a beautiful day [insert smiley angel wings with halo emoticon]... Jake [insert smiley emoticon hugging another smiley emoticon]

[insert me clicking delete]

Also? An Aquarius. Just sayin'.

NUMBER TWO
wow u are indeed a beautiful woman. hey im sean how are u doing tonight

This message has come in various forms. Like many women (except M), I appreciate a compliment. What I don't appreciate, however, is grammatical laziness. Group Exercise: take a look at your keyboard right now. Go ahead. I'll wait. You may notice that in the top row of letters, keys 6 - 9 are Y U I O. If your finger can reach the U key, it can also reach Y and O. For real. Just SPELL OUT the word "YOU" for the love of Pete. Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but I think it's an indication of how a person will behave. Attention to detail. The amount of effort they're willing to put forth. Etcetera, etcetera.

See what I did there? I intentionally spelled out "etcetera" instead of using the typical abbreviation "etc." in an effort to make my point. Clever, ain't I?

NUMBER ONE
OMG u r so CUTE. I want to take u fold u up and put u in my back pocket and take u home to my mom. Wait……………… Are u house broken? My grandmother birthday was yesterday so when I went over my moms yesterday. My grand mom and my mom are sitting on the sofa and my grand mom keeps looking at my blue jeans (It happen to be designer jean day for me :) U know the type with one or two holes in them. So I'm thinking what the hell is she looking at. So when my mom goes to make my grandma some tea my grandma calls me over and whispers "Let grandma buy u some new jeans."and hands me ten dollars.I say grand mom that the style they are suppose to me that way.My the way I enjoyed reading your profile. If you could wake up tomorrow anywhere in the world, where would it be? Ttys ;-)

Seriously. Seriously?? OMG! What did he even say? If anyone has a Nonsense to English dictionary handy... actually, I don't care enough to translate it.

Stay tuned for our forthcoming photo gallery of "What the #%$@ Were You Thinking?" profile pictures.

xoxo,
Venus

Gone fishin'

I've always wondered about that phrase "There's plenty of fish in the sea." Sure, it sounds positive...at first. But think about it. Yes, there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea. But there are large schools filled with hundreds of the same kind of fish that you just threw back. And then there are a lot that will eat you. And a lot more that are poisonous. Then there are the ones that are just plain creepy.

Which brings me to online dating. Fawesome segue, don't you think? Anyhow. Of course I am not saying that all guys (or girls) who are into online dating are creepy. I'm sure there are lots of wonderful people on these sites and they will go on wonderful dates and have wonderful weddings and pop out lots of wonderful spawn. But this isn't about them, because that would be boring.

So, yeah. A few weeks ago, Venus and I decided to sign up for a free dating site for kicks. She likes meeting new people. I...don't. But I was curious to see what kind of people sign up for these things. I had no intention of getting a date. Now, before anyone can say "OMG that's soooooooo mean that you would make these poor guys think they had a chance" I would like to share that A) in the "Looking For" section I selected Friends; and B) I put in my (very brief, not revealing in any way) profile that I was not looking for anything but "people who are mildly amusing to talk to". Unfortunately, as my ex said, guys are not very perceptive. So let's get to the fun, shall we?

As I mentioned, my profile was very brief. Very. As in, I put nothing about me as a person, my interests, my hobbies, my life's goals, whatever. I did, however, put my picture up. I figured if I was going to play the game, I was...going to to do it halfheartedly. No good profile = picture that's only half crappy.

For some reason, guys seemed to like my picture (my ex signed up about a week after we did, and I got a text that said "This place is Uggo Central. You and Venus are easily the most attractive women on here.") and felt the need to send me messages. I shall skip through the many, many ones that just said "Hi, how are you?" to get to the three most annoying ones.

First of all, you are absolutely beautiful, and you do not look 29 at all.

I would love to know more about you, or anything about you. Music, movies, hobbies. What it is you're looking for.

Really, wow.

This from a man who did not have a picture on his profile. Which is fine with me, I don't need to know what you look like in order to talk to you. But he DID have a whole paragraph about how he didn't put a picture up because everyone is judged on appearance and how it sickens him and he doesn't want to be judged like that. And yet he wrote to me solely based on my appearance. Without getting into details, I destroyed him.

Hey, we have a lot in common we are the same height... How long have you been on (insert name of free site here)?

...we have a lot in common...because we're the same height? Really? Forgive me for not marrying you immediately.

Hey cutie, my name's [idiot] (my IM isnt workin) I just wanted you to know that I think you look good, and after reading your profile and it looks like we have alot in common, if you're interested, I'd love to talk more. either way I hope to hear from you soon. I dont get online much though...hopefully you wont mind texting me sometime...my number's xxx-xxx-xxxx . (only my texting works right now though) Xo [idiot]

WE DO NOT HAVE A LOT IN COMMON! Or even if we do, you have NO IDEA because I put NOTHING ABOUT ME IN THE PROFILE.

I'm going to have to stop here for now. I've re-annoyed myself just with those. I need awhile to regroup. Venus, you're tagged in.


-M

International House of Not-So-Much

I've been on several dates and met quite a few guys here in NY. And if you put all those guys side-by-side, it'd look like one big ol' Benetton ad. OR A Singles Mixer at the UN. OR Speed Dating with the Rainbow Coalition. And for today's generation: Brangelina's family. Yes, I have dated a veritable smorgasbord of nationalities, countries and backgrounds. Allow me to share a sampling from the group I will call my Foreign Affairs.

Representing Australia: "Will you marry me?" This proposal happened over the phone. I said yes. As you might imagine, I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever...

...ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever live that down amongst my friends. At the time it seemed very romantic. In hindsight... yeah, I'm done here.

Representing Jamaica: "I'm a filmmaker. I don't do movies. I make ART. What's YOUR motivation?" To get away from this situation as quickly as possible.

Representing Italy: "I am seemingly incapable of having a relationship with anyone who isn't certifiably insane... but that won't stop me from complaining about how all the women I meet are certifiably insane!"

Representing Puerto Rico: "What do you mean, you think I might be a serial killer?"

Representing New Zealand: "Thank you for my finding my cell phone in a cab and returning it to me. As compensation, I would like to take you out for a drink, discover you will NOT be having sex with me, and finish things off by never calling you again."

Representing... (Crap, I've already forgotten where he's from... Oh! That's right --) Holland: "I picked you up in a bar, I live in a hotel, I'm 8 feet tall, I have soft cocoa ringlets of hair, big brown eyes, dimples and a smile like nothing you've ever seen. Of course I'm an assh*le."

Representing England: "I knew we had a date tonight, but I thought it'd be a great idea to fall asleep in the sun for several hours because I've been DYING to do an impression of a British Lobster in New York."

Representing Australia (again): "I know we're just sitting here on my couch watching TV and I have on boxers and a wife beater... but could you maybe dress a little sexier?"

Representing Denmark: "I'm in a band. And I have a fun accent." I'm not saying much more about him; we just met this past weekend.

As M will tell you, I'm sensitive. I care about people's feelings and even though I can be a ridiculously sarcastic, I'm never mean. Of the nine guys mentioned above, I'm in touch with six. So either they weren't *all* bad or I'm just as as off-kilter as they are.

Eh. Probably a little of both. Until they read this. Hey, fellas!

xoxo,
Venus

She's Just Not That Into You, Either

Heh heh. “Plenty of mars women and venus men” makes it sound like our darling Venus is a dude. Which is funny, because that’s exactly what I told a guy once when he was hitting on her as we were walking down 34^th Street. She gets that a lot, guys making comments. I don’t. Maybe they can tell that I could melt their brain and make it run out their ears with a single glare. I’ve only done that once, but man, it was AWESOME. Or maybe I’m just ugly. I’m fine with either reason. She’s not. A dude, I mean. I’m not either. But between the two of us, I come the closest.

Someone recently said to me “You seem like a great girl, I can’t quite figure out why you’re single.” I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that being single was some horrible affliction. I mean, he’s right; I am a great girl. I cook, I bake, I watch sports and awesomely awful (awfulsome) Sci Fi Channel Original movies, I play video games, I like “man food”, I don’t get jealous (ever), and I will hand you extra singles as you walk out the door to join your buddies at the strip club. Hell, I’m a goddamn catch. So why am I single? Because I can be. Duh.

Besides, what am I supposed to do? Settle? Psht. My time is valuable. I’m not going to waste it on someone undeserving. Which brings me to the last guy I (very briefly) dated. I shall call him Narcissus. On paper, it was a good fit. We had a lot in common, which is a good thing. One thing we did not have in common, though, was self-adoration. I wondered why he even felt the need to date anyone, since it was clear that he was absolutely in love with himself. He’d check himself out in the bathroom mirror, then in the giant mirror he had in his living room, and then every single store window and subway car door that we saw. And he liked to let me know just how attractive he (allegedly) was. Sample conversation:

Him: What would you say your best feature is?

Me: Uh…I don’t know. My nails grow pretty fast.

Him: I’d say it was your eyes.

Me: Oh. Thanks.

Him: I mean, mine are gorgeous, but yours are nice too.

The very worst part is that he tried too hard to convince me how great he was. I say that the product should sell itself. The harder you try to sell it, the more I think it’s not worth buying. Unless you’re Billy Mays or Vince the ShamWow guy. I’ll buy anything they sell. But anyway, after an entire evening of him “proving” that he was better than my ex-boyfriend (“Is he a lawyer? Oh. I am. Did he even go to college? Am I better looking? I want to see a picture. He looks like a douche. What’s with the hair?”) I decided that it was over. I also decided the best way to relay this information was to ignore his calls and emails. He might still be sending them, but I blocked his address, so I’ll never know. Am I a bitch? Maybe. But that’s the way it’s got to be sometimes.

If she’s not returning your calls or emails, she’s just not that into you.

-M

The Birth of a Blog

.

MEET VENUS

Some author guy once wrote "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus." That's pretty much crap. If you look at the attributes of Mars and Venus, there are plenty of Mars women and Venus men.

Mars: Courage, war, fighting, power, beating of enemies
Venus: Love, romance, sex, friendship, beauty, money, art

Rather than trying to figure out how Mars and Venus can get along and date (like our friend Mikey), we'd prefer to know who the hell killed Cupid? He's the beautiful offspring we set forth to bring lovers together. Hey, funny story about that: I, Venus, once got soooo jealous of another goddess, I sent Cupid to make her fall in love with the ugliest entity he could find for her. So when you see a couple together and wonder "how did THAT happen?"... sorry. It was my idea.

Fast forward through our mythology and enter 2009. Cupid seems to either be missing or dead, because we live in a (waste)land of internet dating, random hookups, and Why-On-Earth-Is-This-Person-Talking-To-Me? So if you've dated online, gone through ridiculous encounters, had your heart broken and/or you want a good laugh about dating in NYC, we're at your service. Hope to see more of you.

xoxo,
Venus

MEET MARS

What she said.

-M