She's Just Not That Into You, Either

Heh heh. “Plenty of mars women and venus men” makes it sound like our darling Venus is a dude. Which is funny, because that’s exactly what I told a guy once when he was hitting on her as we were walking down 34^th Street. She gets that a lot, guys making comments. I don’t. Maybe they can tell that I could melt their brain and make it run out their ears with a single glare. I’ve only done that once, but man, it was AWESOME. Or maybe I’m just ugly. I’m fine with either reason. She’s not. A dude, I mean. I’m not either. But between the two of us, I come the closest.

Someone recently said to me “You seem like a great girl, I can’t quite figure out why you’re single.” I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that being single was some horrible affliction. I mean, he’s right; I am a great girl. I cook, I bake, I watch sports and awesomely awful (awfulsome) Sci Fi Channel Original movies, I play video games, I like “man food”, I don’t get jealous (ever), and I will hand you extra singles as you walk out the door to join your buddies at the strip club. Hell, I’m a goddamn catch. So why am I single? Because I can be. Duh.

Besides, what am I supposed to do? Settle? Psht. My time is valuable. I’m not going to waste it on someone undeserving. Which brings me to the last guy I (very briefly) dated. I shall call him Narcissus. On paper, it was a good fit. We had a lot in common, which is a good thing. One thing we did not have in common, though, was self-adoration. I wondered why he even felt the need to date anyone, since it was clear that he was absolutely in love with himself. He’d check himself out in the bathroom mirror, then in the giant mirror he had in his living room, and then every single store window and subway car door that we saw. And he liked to let me know just how attractive he (allegedly) was. Sample conversation:

Him: What would you say your best feature is?

Me: Uh…I don’t know. My nails grow pretty fast.

Him: I’d say it was your eyes.

Me: Oh. Thanks.

Him: I mean, mine are gorgeous, but yours are nice too.

The very worst part is that he tried too hard to convince me how great he was. I say that the product should sell itself. The harder you try to sell it, the more I think it’s not worth buying. Unless you’re Billy Mays or Vince the ShamWow guy. I’ll buy anything they sell. But anyway, after an entire evening of him “proving” that he was better than my ex-boyfriend (“Is he a lawyer? Oh. I am. Did he even go to college? Am I better looking? I want to see a picture. He looks like a douche. What’s with the hair?”) I decided that it was over. I also decided the best way to relay this information was to ignore his calls and emails. He might still be sending them, but I blocked his address, so I’ll never know. Am I a bitch? Maybe. But that’s the way it’s got to be sometimes.

If she’s not returning your calls or emails, she’s just not that into you.

-M